I was sad to see that George Carlin recently passed away. He was one of my favorite comedians of all times. In celebration of his comic genius I’ve gathered some of what I think are his funniest quotes. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. Some may trip over the edge of what you may personally find acceptable. All I can is just read past them quickly and move on to the next one.
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would’ve made our arms shorter.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that ...
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Michael