I know I am constantly invited to meditate. I know that the structure of the room where I meditate intentionally prohibits my meditation practice and that part of me resists changing it. What do I want? I really want someone to help me get thru the stuff and create an inviting space. My spouse and I have both had to hire people to help us with periodic filing issues. It has helped clear paperwork but it hasn’t help me get a system for organization down. There is a book out, something related to a year of organizing with week by week tasks. I like the sound of it – the week by week part.
Reality – there are many things on my plate and deciding what to prioritize becomes a bit of a job so I act like an ostrich, head in the sand and maybe butt in the air, letting other things take priority. Hiring someone to clean the house weekly has freed up so much time for me. Not that I spent hours cleaning, but I did spend hours trying to clean•do office paperwork•make food and all the other stuff that I do. That was a start – how do I get to the next step?
I miss meditating; the rush of ideas that land in that space that never truly empties. That’s a funny part of meditation for me – the way there is never really nothing but there is less interference, less noise of all the busy intrusive thoughts that run races in my head. So when I sat, facing the bookcase and wall, there were moments I actually settled, noticed my body, felt myself seated and breathing. At other times the rush of getting in the room, the self-inflicted pressure to do it vs. invitation to do it, created resistance and unwillingness to sit. I felt like a rebellious teen, drug to do something I didn’t want to do. Really it’s a gift that I keep pushing away.